The Seven Letter Word
My backyard has been a place of both tremendous anxiety and undeniable peace in my anxiety journey.
The definition of anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Anxiety is normal. It is part of our survival instincts to have a fight or flight mode. This is especially important in certain situations such as crossing the street, keeping a child out of harm’s way, or running away from a bear (you never know). Anxiety has been a part of our DNA since the beginning of our existence. But as we have evolved, so have our stressors. Anxiety is now associated with work, relationships, money, family life, and more. So what does this mean for those of us who suffer from this seven letter word?
This means that sometimes there is no answer to why we experience anxiety that may affect our daily lives. Anxiety is the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults. Anxiety is highly treatable, yet only 36.9% of sufferers receive treatment. It is time to start talking about anxiety and stop stigmatizing it. So here’s my story.
This story starts a long time ago. In college I did experience a few panic attacks, but a little over a year ago, the anxiety really started to affect my daily life. With my depression in my earlier years; even though there was sadness, loneliness, and a dark hole, I always felt like I could find a way to climb back out. With anxiety, it started suddenly. First, with insomnia and the symptoms continued from there. I slept for maybe 4 hours in 3 days. I tried my best to suffer through it, but the inability to sleep was really affecting everything: my driving, my work, my relationship. My thoughts were racing, my heart was pounding, and no matter how tired my eyelids were, my body would not sleep. Finally, I went to my primary care physician and he prescribed me some medication so that I could sleep.
During this time, I also began experiencing racing thoughts and a numbness that would flood my whole body. I didn’t know this was a panic attack until I opened up to a friend about the experiences I was having. It clicked then that my body was going through the worst anxiety it had ever experienced. I felt defeated, sad, alone, and like I was stuck in a place I didn’t want to be in. I felt like I had no control over my own body.
Remember that you know yourself better than anyone else does.
Once I knew what was happening to my body, I tried everything. I worked out for one hour, I meditated, I wrote in my journal, I cleaned up my diet, I found new calming hobbies (gardening, reading, cooking), I took deep breaths, I tried to talk down my racing thoughts, I talked to my husband about it, I went to therapy. And NOTHING WORKED. I was suffering through 4-5 panic attacks a week. They were uncontrollable, unpredictable, and they had no trigger. There was a panic attack when I was walking through my garden and my husband was sitting outside. As I walked, this feeling of panic, numbness, and breathlessness overcame my whole body. I sat down and looked at my husband with hot tears streaming down my face and said, “I’m having a fucking panic attack and I have no fucking idea why.” It was hard because my husband kept telling me if I thought it away or took care of myself more or stopped stressing that it would just go away. But, he was wrong.
There was a day I took off work because I couldn’t cope with the stressors of the classroom in the state I was in. I was sitting outside with a book in my hand, the sunshine on my face, and my coziest robe on. In that moment, I had some really scary thoughts. My husband came over to talk to me and I burst into tears telling him that I no longer wanted to be here. I told him that I could not handle this anxiety that was so uncontrollable and that it was taking over my life. I told him that if this was the life I was going to live, then I did not want to be around to live it. It was a really scary moment for both of us. Right then and there, my husband realized that there was a lot going on for me and that I needed his unconditional support as well as professional help.
After that, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. I was afraid to take antidepressant/antianxiety medication (again) because I had convinced myself that I couldn’t and wouldn’t be dependent on it for my whole life. I had already spent 7 years of my life on Zoloft and thought that I could be free of having to take medication every single day. Then, my doctor took my blood pressure. Because of my anxiety, my blood pressure was reading that of someone who had just went for a jog even though I am an athletic person. My psychiatrist has been the kindest, most understand health professional I have worked with. When I voiced my concerns about going back on medication, he put me on a medication that had a short half life and would help with my symptoms. I tried this medication for a few months but it made me very drowsy and I was taking it twice a day. My anxiety and its’ medication was still ruling my life. I also had an emergency stash of Xanax (and I still do). There are days when I wake up that I just know my body and mind are panicking, so I take one.
I hope you find the help that you need no matter where you are in your journey.
I now look at my antidepressants as vitamins for my brain. If a person has an infection, they need medication to heal their body. If a person has a vitamin deficiency, they take supplements to combat it. This is what antidepressants do for my brain. I have fully accepted that I have a chemical imbalance that causes me to suffer from severe anxiety. Since starting antidepressants, I have not had a panic attack in 8 months.
What I have learned through this journey is that life is too short to suffer. I learned that when you have a mental illness all of the self care in the world won’t make it better. I learned that chemical imbalances are okay. I learned how to say out loud that I have anxiety. I am still learning how to live with this seven letter word: anxiety.
Tell me below, what is your mental health story?
